Season V Round 3-Round Up

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Season V Round 3-Round Up

Bloodbath & Beyond Vs. Geheimnisnacht Gnashers 0-2

Geheimnisnacht Gnashers Logo1

It was the third game – and she was starting to settle in. She’d learnt the ropes a bit more, and at the least knew her way around the dugout a bit better. She’d met other coaches and was starting to be slightly less star struck around the players. It certainly helped that most of the teams in the league weren’t human. All bar one at least, and she wouldn’t have to deal with them for another week or so…
In the meantime, she had a game against a Chaos team, “Bloodbath and Beyond” and boy did she hate those Beastmen. The bleating and bloody horns.

Bloodbath & Beyond Logo

Last Minute Widdle

She had learnt a lot from the last game. No more listening to ancient mummies and spirits that barely remembered their own games, let alone could work out viable tactics for the games of today. No more hair-brained “schemes”. It was time to bring the pain and smash faces. This was BLOOD BOWL!

She unpacked the crates and took the Werewolves out for a last minute widdle in the local park, she’d learnt to do that the hard way. Apparently, it wasn’t on to let them foul on the pitch. Wrong sort of foul or something. She came back and checked the stitching on Edward and Boris, and it was looking solid.

Anger & Rage Sensation Enricher

Bloodbath and beyond were a very good team: more experienced than the Gnashers, and with more wins under their belt. In fact, they were so much better the stadium owner had felt guilty, and had allowed her onto the pitch a week before to try out some tactics and let her get a feel for the pitch. This extra training, plus something that she had been cooking up might be enough to bring the balance. A new enchantment, that she had named the Anger & Rage Sensation Enricher. Or ARSE for short.

She had come up with it a few nights before when she’d been looking into the Chaos gods as research about Bloodbath and Beyond. As fickle as she had heard they were, it turned out one of these gods was angry. Very very angry. All the time. Like serious anger issues! His favourite saying was one that was very close to the games heart:

“He cares not from where the blood flows, only that it flows!”

She’d even found that he didn’t go much for magic itself, but he did like magic items, and with some of the excess warpstone and a couple of belts to use as collars she’d rushed some up. She had no idea if they would work, but if it just made the team a bit more angry, she was sure it couldn’t hurt. Well couldn’t hurt her she smirked at the thought, just as the goblin assistant ref came down to get her team on the pitch.

All’s Fair In Blood And Bowl!

The first half went brilliantly! She was 1-0 up! And boy she had had fun! Her boys had torn into the Chaos team, in some cases quite literally! She’d dropped one of the Beastmen very early on, doing some savage damage. She’d even started looking up in her spellbook a quick resurrection spell. He looked pretty dead to her, and all’s fair in Blood and Bowl! But as she was sidling over, the muttered incantation on her lips, the blooming Apothecary appeared out of nowhere, and with some magical sponge started wiping down the wounds on the Beastman which rapidly healed up. Curses!
But one nil up! She was… WINNING!

Rufus Eisenhans
Gnashers Head Coach, Rufus Eisenhans

The Second half didn’t let up, and it really appeared as if the Gods of Chaos had abandoned the opponent team. They couldn’t hold onto the ball for love nor money.They couldn’t seem to throw any good blocks, while all of her blocks seemed to cut through their armour like it was paper. By the end of the second half, they were 2-0 up and had another 3 casualties! (admittedly one of them had been the crowd, but she wasn’t going to argue!)

She had won her first game, and when she heard the roar of the crowd, and some actual fans tried to assault her, she knew that she was where she was meant to be!


Da Lesta Masherz Vs. Tilean Drowned Court 0-2

Tilean Drowned Court Logo
Tilean Drowned Court

Hunkering down behind the Line of Scrimmage filled with Black Orcs, Ugroth Bulgrot revved his chainsaw and smiled to himself about what he was going to do to those Mummies. They thought they were so big and powerful, he’d show them what a real star player was all about. His team were kicking so as soon as he could he was going to stick his chainsaw right up that Mummy’s…..

Hang on, what was this? The Black Orcs were getting knocked aside, there was a clear path now, and a Mummy came striding up to him and then…..

Sleeping on the job…

When he awoke the stadium was empty. “What happened?” he asked the lady cleaning out the stands.

“Well, after you went to sleep without even moving the undead caged up the pitch and then the Orcs started punching.”

“One of their Mummy’s got a bit squished and now moves even slower than before. He’s sitting out the next match as they are still trying to reattach the leg. A Zombie got his eye taken out by a nasty spiked helmet and he’s missing out as well.”

“It was glorious, the Undead cage got smashed apart and there was some desperation passing. It didn’t work, hit the ghoul right in the face and fell to the ground. Hilarious it was.”

“Of course an Orc Blitzer tried to dodge and get it. Ever seen a dodging orc? Me neither. Fell right on his face he did. Of course, the Ghoul got the unattended ball and legged it, hid next to the endzone the rest of the half as well. Slimy little bugger.”

“Something Called Tictacs”

“When the orcs got the ball for the 2nd half, onwards they strode. Then it turned into the best sight in all of Blood Bowl. A massive scrum in the middle of the pitch. The undead seemed to be using a magical power, something called ‘tictacs’ or summfink like that. They pushed some geezers into other geezers who pushed into other geezers and suddenly the ball carrier was standing next to the Mummy… didn’t go well for the ball carrier.”

“Star Ghoul (and all round handsome superstar of the Court) Headsman then picked up the ball and off he sodded, leaving the rest of the players to flail ineffectually at each other for the rest of the match before crossing for his 5th TD of the season as the final bell tolled.”

“So really it was all your fault, you can stick your chainsaw where the sun don’t shine!”

With horror he realised what he’d taken for an old haggard cleaning lady was renowned orc ‘beauty’ and Head Cheerleader of the Da Masherz Gaptooth Mary!

With that, she kicked him squarely in the nuts and flounced off.


Murderous Urges Vs. Dankrock Rancid 2-0

Dankrock Rancid were riding the emotional high. They hadn’t lost their first two games, which in Goblin terms was an impressive streak. Goblins for miles had come to the Dankrock Arena, resulting in them outnumbering the rest of the crowd two to one. That’s a lot of Goblins! If the referee had known the kind of day he would have, there is a good chance he’d have been elsewhere rather than pitch-side for this game.

The Chaos coach won the coin toss and opted to go straight on the offensive, typical Chaos style. Both teams set out their starting formations and the ball was kicked. Between the sunny weather and the abundance of cheap Goblin ale available, the fans whipped themselves into such a frenzy that the ensuing pitch invasion was almost inevitable. A sea of short frenzied goblins stormed the field, all wanting a piece of glory. By the time the referee managed to clear the pitch of surplus Goblins (with some Ogre sized help), six, yes SIX Chaos players had been brought down. Two of the Goblin players had been swept up in the excitement and also needed a bit of a lie down. Once order (or what passes for order in blood bowl) had been restored, the game commenced.

Murderous Urges Logo


Captain Dumah wanted to lead the rest of team by example. He checked to ensure his teammates were watching, pointed to Goblin #3 Itchiz, then proceeded to punch him in the face as hard as he could. The resulting crack echoed around the stadium as the goblin fans as one fell silent. Itchiz was stretchered off badly hurt.

The goblin team downed a couple of chaos players but had little effect. Until Skabz, a firm crowd favorite revved up his chainsaw and fouled Zephon. The chainsaw blade screeched through Zephon’s armour and elicited a cheer from the home fans. Medics carried Zephon back to the dugout. The referee at this point rubbed his hands together as his associates collected a bag of what appeared to be gold coins from the Goblin coach.

Deathpelt, the current ball carrier followed his captain’s example and managed a well-placed hoof to the face of Bozz, the Goblin team captain. Again, the medics were called upon to carry off another player. The blow for blow, KO for KO, and stun for stun continued until the ball carrier who was progressing up the left flank was blitzed by a very well planned Troll play, who despite the odds managed to flatten Deathpelt.

The goblin team started to put up a screen to prevent any chaos support, but Mossbreath who had done nothing noteworthy so far in the campaign dodged past three of the goblin defence, grabbed the ball and sprinted for the touchdown.


The referee was expecting much more of a charitable donation from the Goblin Coach, but only received a single bag of coin, so despite the crowds baying for his blood, proceeded to send off the bomb-wielding Flux and fanatical Hurtzer. Despite only having a few minutes of play left the Goblin team pushed hard and even stunned a couple of the chaos team, but there just wasn’t enough time left for them to really make a scoring chance.

Goblin Bomber
Bomber Dribblesnot


More money changed hands between Goblin Coach and Goblin Referee again, allowing Skabz to remain on the pitch. By this stage, the bribes weren’t even discreet and the crowds were snickering with laughter each time it happened. Both teams reset and as the ball was kicked a few clouds rolled in, almost perfect weather for beating up your opponents.

The Goblin Coach stood on the sidelines shouting specific instructions to his team,

“Spitzer, pick up that ball, run to Ragzy, hand off the ball!”

“Ragzy, dodge past those sheepies, run for the endzone!”

“The rest of you, stop those [Censored: Ed] from getting the ball back!”

Whether it was fear of their coach, desire to win or the offer of free goblin ale isn’t known, but the tactics were working. Ragzy was mere yards from the endzone and every member of the Chaos team was marked. Valdred tensed in his armour and made his move, he dodged past his Goblin marker and ran after Ragzy, going full speed and careful not to trip himself, he blitzed into the Goblin. The resulting blow left Ragzy on the ground seeing stars. Which was impressive since he was face down in the mud.

Danrok Rancid Logo

Sneaky Tactics

With no one paying much attention at the other end of the pitch, Nightheart who was renowned for his sneaky tactics aimed a blow at a goblin’s nether regions. (Un)fortunately for Pog, the blow missed and hit him in the head so hard his head cleanly left his shoulders and it took the stadium medics two trips to carry each half of his body from the pitch.

Mossbreath managed to collect the ball and with a bit of support from two fellow beastmen he slowly made his way up the right flank towards to the endzone. Skabz made his presence known again. With a scream, he evaded a beastman marking him and charged into Valdred. His armour was no match for that chainsaw. Off to the bench he went. The goblin team threw everything they had at the chaos players defending the ball carrier and even though the number of goblins on the pitch was decreasing rapidly, they managed a couple of notable defensive acts.

Gundo the troll who had been impressively stupid throughout most of the game, managed not one but two casualties in close succession. The first (were it not for the heroic efforts of the team apothecary) would have resulted in the death of Nightheart. As it was, the apothecary managed to cure everything apart for a groin strain. There are some injuries even a Chaos Apothecary draws the line at attending to.
The second may prove to be more problematic for the Chaos Team. Bloodtail received a smashed ankle, which the apothecary advises means he will forever run with a limp. Considering Gundo had aimed for Bloodtail’s head, this was particularly unfortunate.

Finally, Mossbreath managed to cross the line and score his second touchdown of the game.

Murderous Urges Head Coach, Kev Bertwistle
Murderous Urges Head Coach, Kev Bertwistle


Despite a minor riot which confused the Goblin referee to the extent he allowed each side some extra time, there wasn’t long left for the Goblins to mount any kind of attack.

“Time for something special”, announced Splitz. Grabbing the ball, he ran to teammate Spitzer, handing off the ball with the instructions to “get up and run down there and score”.

The “get up” part confused Spitzer, as he was already on his feet. Or he was until the huge hand of Jung the Troll picked him up. Spitzer screeched at Jung to put him down as he knew the troll was hungry (they always are). The rest of the team and the fans all made a throwing motion and Jung obliged, hurling Spitzer down the field. Somehow Spitzer managed to make the landing and were it not for some timely gusts of wind, he would have made it. As it was he ended up far too close to Arakai. Having not seen any action all game, the Chaos Warrior hammered Spitzer into the ground. More work for the stadium medics. They certainly earned their gruel this game.

The referee sensed the crowd were going to turn more violent soon and blew the final whistle before making a hasty retreat with his cart load of ‘donations’.

Nu Gork Dakka Jets Logo

Leicester Mortuary Vs. Nu Gork Dakkajets 3-0

Mortuary began the match receiving and promptly surfed two Blacks Orcs, who got knocked out by the crowd. Despite the numbers advantage, it still took them four downs to pick up the ball! Eventually, they were able to move forward and score before the half-time whistle sounded.

The second half saw only nine greenskins against the full Mortuary team. The Orcs broke the bones of one Zombie, but he pulled himself together. With dwindling numbers, the Orcs tried to break through on the left. They were stopped by Mr. Wolf, who ran off with the ball and scored in the pouring rain.

With only a little time remaining, the Orcs tried again to attack. Alas, they tripped over their own shoelaces on the blitz. Dashwood, the other Werewolf quickly clawed the Orc defender to the injury box, opening a path for Goldenharp. Goldenharp recovered the ball and scored a third touchdown to end the match.

North Salem Cougars logo

The Void Vs. North Salem Cougars 0-4

During the match, coach Claudio Fannifairy threw everything he had at The North Salem Cougars. Dice, a wizard, and almost the entire the board of directors. Fortunately, there was no lasting damage to the stadium. If there’s one thing The Void head coach knows what to do, it’s how to throw a game!